Stephenisms: A Necessary Part Of Life

Stephen Floyd is one of my best friends and one of the best guys in the world. Of course, many of you reading this blog probably already know that.

Yesterday Stephen read my blog and told me...

"You make me laugh. Out loud. There should be a shorter way of saying that."

Hilarious right? I know! I told him he should blog, but he says no one cares what he has to say. Sad right? I know!

So in honor of Stephen, I have compiled a small collection of some of the best Stephenisms taken straight from his Facebook page. Enjoy, and then send me or Stephen a note insisting he start his own blog. 

It's a thing that needs to happen - Stephen, the people of the world need to see the things you think to say written in blog form, as long as none of those people are small children. I proudly present...

Stephenisms

"I open my email to find a ton of spam mail talking about weight loss and new bras. Thanks for the complex. Jerks."

"What has going to Krispy Kreme taught me? I could have never worked there. I was barely able to cage the beast for the 15 mins I was there. Let alone for 4-8 hrs a day."


"Why do I always get in situations that reveal just how much of a nerd I really am? It's uncanny."


"Why in the hell is "Doom" in quotations? Is it some sort of ironic doom? Is the doom implied?"


"What do you call someone with no legs or arms and who has an eyepatch?
...Names!"


"Gonna see The Green Hornet in 3d. Awesome!" (This one is only funny because he thinks that's awesome.)


"Statistics don't lie. 100% of all snickers candy bars are awesome."


"Cooking dinner! Yes ladies, I am a catch"




Ladies, he is a catch. You're gonna need a big mit though. He's like 8'5". Now make this guy blog!

Ten Things About You and Me

A few folks pointed out that I didn't post the blog I promised last week. That's true, but unfortunately it, like me, requires good weather and sunshine - something that has not been super available this past week. That being said, here's something to tide you over.

1. I recently heard a person explaining to another person that "chivalry is dead." The girl who this was being explained to replied, "who's chivalry?". True story.

2. If a person's FaceBook profile has almost no pictures of them, except pictures they took of themselves, they either have no friends or they're quiet and keep to themselves. Meaning that person is either a jerk or a serial killer.

3. I have a very good work ethic when it comes to doing laundry. I do not have this same work ethic about the drying of that laundry. This is unfortunate as I am terrible at ironing.

4. As a teenager I once called into work saying I'd been in a small car accident with a co-worker. This was, of course, not true. I worked the entire next day wearing an arm sling. Customers felt bad and helped me bag their own merchandise. My friend and I both quit the next day.

5. I don't believe in ghosts or UFOs but man I wish Big Foot was real. That would be sweet. No matter how bad it hurt my hand, I would always accept a low five from that guy.

6. I think whoever named the "fly" really copped out. Sure "grass hopper" is pretty literal, but come on. If you were going to be so literal, call it a "flying vomiter." But I bet a flying vomiter swatter would somehow end up being more expensive so never mind.

7. I love that the thought of any kind of fungus is a total gross out to so many people, but I rarely meet anyone who doesn't like mushrooms.

8. If you tell me that your only vice is something like you exercise too much or you work too hard, please turn around and talk to someone else. You're bothering me.

9. When did toilet paper commercials stop promoting its softness and start promoting its strength? I get what those ladies are hinting at in that commercial. Yuck.

10. iPhone charger cords are ridiculously short unless you opt for the expensive long cord option. I bought a small white extension cord for $1.50. Winning! 

Steve Jobs - 6.1 Billion, Flippin - 1.

"I store it in my underwear for safety!"

I enjoy shopping for the special events of family and friends and it so happens I have a few of those coming up. Quite a few birthdays cracking over the next few months, so I thought I'd get a head start on the present buying. I must admit though, I don't LOVE shopping so I'm prone to getting sidetracked.
Everything starts off with the right intention, but I wander. Let's see how today's shopping event went?

That being said, how about an underwear safe?

Totally disgusting right? But when you turn to that life of crime and you're rummaging around your neighbors' houses looking to score some quick cash - you got to admit, you're probably going to skip the skid-marked tighty whiteys laying at the bottom of the closet. Ha, you could lay these on top of your Bentley and it would still do the trick. Yeah I picked a dirty brown color for this part for a reason.

Maybe it's your lunch you're looking to protect. If so, these things are awesome. Zip-Lock bags that make it look like your sammy is rotty. But really how big of a problem does this fix? Maybe  it works on the guy at the office that steals your sand out of the fridge before you can get to it. Probably a bad choice on the day someone decides to finally clean out that undoubtedly disgusting fridge though. IDK, but I love these.

This one is priceless. It took me a second at first to realize those hands weren't attached to anything. God help the poor child who's parents think this is a great idea (which I originally did until some jerk informed me it was a little creepy). You gotta think. For this to work as advertised, you'd probably have to put the baby to sleep while holding it with these fake hands. Anybody that's ever tried to lay a sleeping baby down in a crib knows they'd feel that switch up. So the creepiness you felt while using fake hands to rock your child to sleep wouldn't even feel justifying in the end. Too bad too because I still like this one.


Now here's the point where I start getting a little sidetracked...and by a little I mean that I, at this point, completely quit shopping and start looking at pictures I thought were funny. Here's a sampling.

Speaking of babies, get that one outta here! We're good thanks! No kidding, the title of this picture is "SHOO!"










So we know now that Michael Jackson had a little help developing the thriller dance. These cats were crushing it decades earlier.


This next pic and story are completely true. Look it up. This Hooters waitress was competing to win a new Toyota -- and she won -- what'd she get? A new 'toy Yoda." She WAS smart enough to hire a lawyer though and to look really really pissed for the newspaper pic...that might be as smart as she got though. Hey, awesome toy Yoda though.

Haha! I never looked up who won, but either way it went, I'm happy.


Finally, on the note of getting sidetracked while shopping for others, I leave you with this. From what I understand this young man's name is Mini Daddy. Unfortunately for Mini Daddy, the show stealers are the tiny little hood rats dancing in the background. They must not be missed. In fact they can't be. Enjoy!

"So Here's the Plan"

Sunday was a pretty awesome day for a couple of reasons. The weather was fantastic and I had nothing to do all day but enjoy it. The mistake I made was that I made plans based on that fact. Stupid, stupid stupid.

Everyone I talked to was planning something to do outdoors. How could you not?  The park, the lake. My buddy Rob and his friend even won box seat tickets to the Hogs/LSU game! Including a cab ride to and from the ball park! Everybody was gonna rock this sweet sweet Sunday.

All I wanted was some lunch, so...

Step one. Grab a little lunch. Took note of this along the way.

I didn't eat at Wes'. Nor did I eat at the "Laundry & Grocery Computer Systems Outlet," but maybe I should have. I hear their chips are amazing...and clean.

Next on the plan? Pick up my truck from the B-DAY-Q I attended the night before. Played it safe, caught a ride home and it's a good thing I did! Because had I walked to my truck in the dark instead of the next day I would've missed this. Catbox!

Yeah folks, that's an after market cat mailbox cover! Precious isn't it?? Somehow I think this has got to be a federal offense.

Plan Part 3: Hit the grocery store and get the goods for cookin' up some ribs! I would have gone to the Laundry and Grocery Computer Systems Outlet, but they don't have the country style ribs. Only bone-in. I like the country style.

But what to have with them? Maybe I'll just save some time and effort and pick up something from the deli, like.....

"Food Stampable Miscelloneous By LB Cold." Mmmmmmmmmm. It's been awhile since I've had some good "MISCELLONEOUS!" Never the less I let it pass by.

Get to the house, ready to start slow cooking those ribs. Kinda regretting my decision to pass up on the miscelloneous, but knowing it was the right thing to do. Phone call! Remember Rob?

ROB

What up Al?

ME

What up buddy? How was the game?

ROB

Any chance you can come pick me up?

ME

I thought you had a ride back!

ROB

I'm at the hospital.

BAM! This guy is the little brother of a girl I dated when I was 16 years old. We don't see each other that much but I always try to check up on him, make sure he's doing well etc... On Sunday he wasn't doing well.

ME

How'd ya get here Rob?

ROB

I woke up here. Doctor said it was probably a combination of alcohol and too much sun.

....said the drunk looking sunburned man.

I know there's some saying about "the best laid plans" blah blah blah that applies here, but I don't really care. Days usually don't go as planned for me...or Rob as it ends up. Still, the day was full of "miscelloneous" good sights and times. Rob was just fine and the Hogs swept. 

I'm gonna go start cooking those ribs now.

Happy Holiday(s)

December 21, 2010 by Alex Flippin

I decided on this BLOG topic as a courtesy to all the people who have had to hear my rant about the song “Happy Holiday” sung by the great Andy Williams.
Now I want to be clear that I have nothing against Andy Williams per se. BUT I have countless problems with the song “Happy Holiday.” Number one being, why not “Happy HolidayS?” That bugged me from the start, but the song goes on and on about Santa, so I’ve let that go. The song is obviously about Christmas and therefore I can let the singularity of the holiday greeting go.
If you’re unfamiliar with this song, here’s a small sampling of the lyrics (that I hate.)


It’s the holiday season
The holiday season
With the whoop-de-do and dickory dock
And don’t forget to hang up your sock
‘Cause just exactly at 12 o’clock
He’ll be coming down the chimney
He’ll be coming down the chimney, down
So, according to this song, Santa will be coming down the chimney down. What’s a “chimney down?” I don’t understand. Then we have the stellar line, “With a whoop-de-do and dickory dock?” Again, I don’t understand. Is a dickory dock some Christmas tradition that has somehow escaped my attention all these years? Not to mention whoop-de-do. Whoop-de-do implies, to me, the opposite of holiday excitement.
Someone -”Yay it’s Christmas morning Alex!!”
Alex – “Whoop-de-do.”
Someone – “You’re kind of a jerk, you know that?”
Andy Williams, or the song writer who wrote this gem, also wants to remind us to hang up our “socks.” Not our stockings. Our socks. Somehow “the socks were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that St. Nicolas soon would be there” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it. Steeee-rike three! The reason we need to remember to hang up our socks, apparently…because “just exactly at 12 o’clock” Santa will be coming down the chimney down. What? When did this become a thing? It’s already hard enough to explain how the big guy can get to every house in one night to deliver his goodies, but how are we supposed to explain how he comes down every chimney down at exactly midnight? Not to mention having to explain what a chimney down is.
I do love traditional Christmas songs. Thanks to a recent post on my buddy’s Facebook wall, I don’t have to vent about crappy new versions of old Christmas songs. Those are often the subject of much distain on my part. Not all, but many. “Happy Holiday” just really gets my goat. Especially since it’s one of the songs that gets stuck in my head the most.
All that said, Merry Christmas to all and happy holidayS! Next year we’ll tackle Dean Martin’s classic version of “Rudy the Red Nosed Reindeer.”
Really Dean? Rudy?

Basketball, Camping or Some Such Things

April 12, 2010 by Alex Flippin (But this post isn't as originally published. Edited some stuff out)

All right all right. So it’s been a bit since my last blog and that means I gotta do a little catching up. Let me start by saying man I love string cheese and can’t believe I had no idea what it was until like three years ago. Bizarre. On to basketball. I simply can not believe the way this tournament went. Kansas going out before the tourney really even got started, then Kentucky playing like crap put my bracket in, well, the crapper…and even though the final also didn’t turn out at all like I would have hoped, I still enjoyed watching it with some of my favorite people and Micah. Just kidding Micah. Plus my bracket was good enough to beat Scott’s and that means he owes me  case of beer.
    
  FYI bald tastes like Asian chicken.
.

Now camping! This past Saturday was amazing. I don’t think there was ever a better day for camping. Clear, sunny and warm. Which was a blessing since every time we go camping, Scott has to attempt to start our fire using nothing but sticks and string.
      
Needless to say, but I’m saying it anyway. I was skeptical about the possible success of this endeavor.
   And so was Roxie. 
So skeptical, in fact, that when Scott informed me of his plan to start our campfire with nothing but twine and twigs I bet him a half case of beer that he’d fail. Here’s a short video of what I spent the beginning of my camping trip watching.    I can’t figure out how to embed it, but here’s a url.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x49XNUKCPWw
Scott now owes me a case and a half of beer. As we finally got the fire going (with a lighter) Micah and his little brother Ben showed up.
    
…and they brought some disgusting Brandy which they ended up using to breathe fire and make a small molotov cocktail (Not the drink. A small bomb made from a beer bottle, a rag and liquor). Below I’ve included a link to a little video of each. The fire-breathing was pretty cool. The “bomb”….not so much. Again, sorry I can’t embed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CztM-H9HOr0
Scott called that one. That’s him laughing hysterically in the background. He said nothing would happen and absolutely nothing happened with the exception of having some broken glass to clean up the next day. Props to Micah for having the hutzpa to throw that thing though. I stood like a mile away. Hutzpa has never been my strong suit. The fire-breathing was pretty cool though.
BLOG 4 out

Time To X-PLODE!!

April 1, 2010 by Alex Flippin

So one of my friends, who’s in pretty good shape and will remain nameless because there is absolutely no reason for that to go to his head anymore than it always has, told me he was interested in trying out a new workout supplement called NO Xplode. If you’re not familiar, good for you…but having half assed my way through the first phase of P90X (and I mean HALF ASSED), I decided I could use the boost provided by NO Xplode.
I mean come on. I’m clearly a prime candidate for this product. Take a look at some of the fine gentlemen featured in one of their ads.

Now take a look at a recent picture of your’s truly.

As you can see, my Chuck E. Cheese Tri-Delt function T-shirt can barely contain all the muscles that make up my amazing physique. Sometimes sarcasm doesn’t come through too well in writing, so I’d like to point out that my last comment was wrought with it.
Another thing worth noting in the picture above; the two high caffeine energy drinks in my hand. Rockstar Lemonade flavored, no sugar added energy drinks to be exact. I love them and can take down several in a row without blinking an eye. Well, after a couple I’m pretty sure my eyes do blink. Just so quickly that it can’t be seen with the naked eye. For instance after spending the day swilling these drinks and chomping on energy gum, my buddy asked me if I’d like him to take the wheel while I drove down the interstate so that I could just run alongside the car. My point is, I’m not immune to the effects of these awesome beverages, but I can hold my own.
Enter NO Xplode.

This stuff packs a punch. It’s full of caffeine and a bunch of other stuff that’s supposed to “amp up your workout.” The instructions on the back suggest you take a half dose and wait thirty minutes to “assess your tolerance.” Good idea as it ends up.  Around minute fifteen, I already noticed that I was about to pop out of my skin. I’m talking like super amped. I knew seconds before my cell phone was about to ring. I could hear the thoughts of my cat. Nothing too interesting by the way. Just stuff like, “I’m starving” and “where should I go to fall asleep after I wake up from my 17th nap of the day?”. But that’s neither here nor there. Strong stuff.
Having assessed my tolerance, I decided to take the full dose (as instructed), wait thirty more minutes (as instructed) and begin my workout. HOL-Y CRAP. The workout wasn’t any easier. Just scarier. In a, “I have to continue working out or I might ’X-Plode’ but my heart might explode at any moment anyway” kind of way.
For the record, I am not writing this BLOG from the grave, so nothing exploded…but man. Today I’m hitting up round two of the ole X-Plode.  The overall goal? Arms like this fella.

HA! I’m totally just kidding, but this pic isn’t altered at all! The guy took some crap called Synthol. It’s a “posing oil” for competition bodybuilders. Blech! I’m already enough of a poser.
BLOG 3 out y’all.

TGIF and Other Observations

March 26, 2010 by Alex Flippin

Well it certainly is Friday! Early day but it’s already breezing right by. In just a matter of a couple of hours I’ll be sitting down for lunch with one of my favorite people in the world. Too bad it won’t be at one of my favorite Fayetteville establishments.

Stupid economy! No matter how many nights a week I went there, they just couldn’t stay open. AH, it’s probably a good thing. Oh well, so on to the observations.
How come when you “practice” something you’re preparing for when you actually do it, but if you’re a doctor or a lawyer – when you “practice” you’re actually doing the thing you “practiced” to do? My theory? Way back in the day someone walked in on a doctor in training while they were performing some unthinkable procedure on a loved one and the doctor said something along the lines of, “No worries. I’ve been practicing for some time now.” Reassuring much? No not really.

Imagine your sunken enthusiasm when the attorney for which you paid top dollar turns to you and says, “We’ve got this thing in the bag. I’ve been practicing for years.” Practice? To hell with practice! How long have you been taking cases and winning them?

Next on my list of observations…is anybody as upset that they’re still watching LOST as I am? Couldn’t this have all concluded a couple of seasons ago? Do we really need the “sideways flashbacks?” For the record the answer is ‘no.’ If your buddy was telling you a story that went something like this, wouldn’t you tell him to shut the hell up.
“Hey last Saturday I went to the bar and had a few drinks with my sister. We got pretty hammered and then decided to get some suhshi. That’s what really happened but if we hadn’t done that I might have been the principal of a high school in Denver. People that I will actually meet in real life one day I would have already met at the high school and nothing in my real life would have any baring on what I did there.”
I’d be like, “What dude? You think maybe you might could go tell someone else this story that isn’t me?” And I certainly wouldn’t stick around for several seasons hoping to get the real story only to hear that piece of crap because the real story wasn’t long enough to fill the time allotted during my buddies episode.
Hmmm, I’m not sure that explanation was any more concise than your average LOST episode.  Speaking of LOST, have you heard all the hub bub about Matt Fox cheating on his wife of 18 years? Everybody is like, “What would possess him to do that?” And while I totally agree that he’s scum (No joke. Cheating is absolutely deplorable in my book). I’m certainly not saying, “what would possess him to do that?”

Here’s Matt’s wife

And…here’s the girl with whom he cheated.

I’m no psychologist but I think I see what motivated him. More again before the new week. Blog 2 out y’all.