I Like Turtles...and Filthy Disgusting Mattresses

So I know it's been well over a month since my last BLOG post, but don't think that in that time I haven't been collecting BLOG material. In fact, I've collected so much, this one's going to be a bit of a mish mash.

So it's finally Summer! 

And Fayetteville is a fantastic place to be taking it all in. The students are, for the most part, gone and that means your chances of seeing a 45 year old man playing beer pong as you walk down Dickson Street have skyrocketed! So there's that.

Summer also means I end up saving a lot of turtles. I was always a fan of the teenage mutant ninja variety so maybe that explains my affinity for saving them. Check out this old boy.

I can't totally take credit for "saving" him. He was scary. Look at those claws! I less "saved" him and really more "scooted" his life to the side of the road with my foot.

Moving on. If you're in the market for an ideal mattress, I've got just the place for you. The Ideal Mattress Manufacturing Company of course.

I assume that when one makes the decision to open up a new business choosing the name of that business can probably be an agonizing chore. You want it to drum up business, be appealing to the audience you hope to sell your merchandise to, etc.

I am, however, doubting that the folks at Ideal Mattress really had that problem though. Why? Because they sell mattresses that are so clearly and obviously "ideal." You be the judge

I know right? These beauties are so impeccably ideal! Plus, I'm guessing they're also priced to move which should be appealing to just about everyone. No need to thank me if you've been on the look out for a new mattress. Their phone number can be found in the first picture.

FAILS

Now let's move on to fails for the last month. Need to get a big crowd to your next "pro wrestling" event? Easy! Just go all out and get a really professional sign made up to let everybody know about it!

Then throw it on the ground of a parking lot. This plan is a success story in the making. Marketing at its finest. I'd go as far as to say it's ideal.

Here's my Weather Channel app fail for the month. I'm hoping the guy who changes the icon depicting the weather conditions at your current location was at least reprimanded for this one. I can attest that it was neither sunny in Van Buren, nor was it going to be when this pic was snapped. It should have been an icon of me standing outside an Auto Zone in the pouring rain trying to figure out how to attach my new wipers. I've since had an icon drawn up for this and sent it to the Weather Channel app people...I've not heard back.

Here's a fail that should turn your stomach. If you're a fan of Sassy's in Fayetteville stop reading now. Hands down they have the BEST patio in Northwest Arkansas. U.S. Pizza coming in a distant second. Don't start talking to me about Jose's either. A great patio is more than just atmosphere. It also requires good food. Sorry Jose's. You'll probably never make the best patio list.

Sassy's has some great offerings. The BBQ chicken nachos are unreal! Plus, I like the name. Sassy's. Anyway, in addition to some awesome grub, they have some pretty awesome BBQ sauces too. Especially if you don't have problems with flies. Problems like the diseases they may or may not carry, where they lay their eggs or the types of things you can imagine they probably spend their day around. One of those things; Sassy's BBQ sauce bottles!

Mmmmmm mmmmm mmmm! Delicious! Next time I'm going to request they go light on the flies though. It was good, but you CAN have too much of a totally disgusting thing. Ya know?
Please also notice, that there is another fly on/in the bottle to the back right. Really? Do I have to say delicious again?? Surely I've already sold you on this Summer delicacy.

Finally I leave you with some men's room art. This little jewel comes to us from Rolando's in Fort Smith. If you haven't been to one of the three Rolando's in Arkansas, GO. The food is amazing. I'd never been to the Fort Smith location until this past week. I had an AMAZING time, but that's neither here nor there. We're supposed to be talking bathroom art...and here it is.

Is there something about this painting that isn't glorious? Every other painting in the men's room was completely mundane and ordinary. But then there was this guy. Absolutely worth whatever anyone who sold it would want to charge. Not saying I'd pay it, but I would apparently feel compelled to BLOG about it.

Hope this one kept you reading. Next one will be much sooner and I'll give you a little teaser now - we'll be discussing The Candied Bacon Brownie Incident as it will henceforth be known. See ya then...

Stephenisms: A Necessary Part Of Life

Stephen Floyd is one of my best friends and one of the best guys in the world. Of course, many of you reading this blog probably already know that.

Yesterday Stephen read my blog and told me...

"You make me laugh. Out loud. There should be a shorter way of saying that."

Hilarious right? I know! I told him he should blog, but he says no one cares what he has to say. Sad right? I know!

So in honor of Stephen, I have compiled a small collection of some of the best Stephenisms taken straight from his Facebook page. Enjoy, and then send me or Stephen a note insisting he start his own blog. 

It's a thing that needs to happen - Stephen, the people of the world need to see the things you think to say written in blog form, as long as none of those people are small children. I proudly present...

Stephenisms

"I open my email to find a ton of spam mail talking about weight loss and new bras. Thanks for the complex. Jerks."

"What has going to Krispy Kreme taught me? I could have never worked there. I was barely able to cage the beast for the 15 mins I was there. Let alone for 4-8 hrs a day."


"Why do I always get in situations that reveal just how much of a nerd I really am? It's uncanny."


"Why in the hell is "Doom" in quotations? Is it some sort of ironic doom? Is the doom implied?"


"What do you call someone with no legs or arms and who has an eyepatch?
...Names!"


"Gonna see The Green Hornet in 3d. Awesome!" (This one is only funny because he thinks that's awesome.)


"Statistics don't lie. 100% of all snickers candy bars are awesome."


"Cooking dinner! Yes ladies, I am a catch"




Ladies, he is a catch. You're gonna need a big mit though. He's like 8'5". Now make this guy blog!

Ten Things About You and Me

A few folks pointed out that I didn't post the blog I promised last week. That's true, but unfortunately it, like me, requires good weather and sunshine - something that has not been super available this past week. That being said, here's something to tide you over.

1. I recently heard a person explaining to another person that "chivalry is dead." The girl who this was being explained to replied, "who's chivalry?". True story.

2. If a person's FaceBook profile has almost no pictures of them, except pictures they took of themselves, they either have no friends or they're quiet and keep to themselves. Meaning that person is either a jerk or a serial killer.

3. I have a very good work ethic when it comes to doing laundry. I do not have this same work ethic about the drying of that laundry. This is unfortunate as I am terrible at ironing.

4. As a teenager I once called into work saying I'd been in a small car accident with a co-worker. This was, of course, not true. I worked the entire next day wearing an arm sling. Customers felt bad and helped me bag their own merchandise. My friend and I both quit the next day.

5. I don't believe in ghosts or UFOs but man I wish Big Foot was real. That would be sweet. No matter how bad it hurt my hand, I would always accept a low five from that guy.

6. I think whoever named the "fly" really copped out. Sure "grass hopper" is pretty literal, but come on. If you were going to be so literal, call it a "flying vomiter." But I bet a flying vomiter swatter would somehow end up being more expensive so never mind.

7. I love that the thought of any kind of fungus is a total gross out to so many people, but I rarely meet anyone who doesn't like mushrooms.

8. If you tell me that your only vice is something like you exercise too much or you work too hard, please turn around and talk to someone else. You're bothering me.

9. When did toilet paper commercials stop promoting its softness and start promoting its strength? I get what those ladies are hinting at in that commercial. Yuck.

10. iPhone charger cords are ridiculously short unless you opt for the expensive long cord option. I bought a small white extension cord for $1.50. Winning! 

Steve Jobs - 6.1 Billion, Flippin - 1.